In Over My Head

So between the bouts of depression, anxiety, and plateaus there are these wild and spontaneous fits of creativity, productivity, and energy with desires to take on the world. I fall in love with these peaks of happiness; the view is incredible up here! You should see it!

All around me, I can see the beauty of the world, and it inspires me and makes me feel alive.

There’s just one problem.

After reaching the summit, I still have to come down the other side of those mountains. And the higher I climb on the good days, the further I have to fall back on the not-so-good days.

At the peak, the world feels entirely conquerable. In fact, if you catch me on one of these days, it’s nearly impossible for me to say, “no.” Can you…shave this greased pig for me? Sure, why not? I’d love to! Can you…wrestle this Tasmanian Devil into this princess costume and teach it to sing? Hell yeah, let’s do this thing! Can you…travel back in time and bring me back a T-Rex named Norm who is into making decoupage picture boxes and wants to marry Selena Gomez? Give me just one second!

You get the picture. I am the queen of “yes.” I want to do ALL the things, and somehow I convince myself I can handle doing ALL the things. But as soon as I begin my descent back to reality, it becomes apparent just how far I’ve climbed. Staring down from these dizzying heights, I immediately feel in over my head.

One of my biggest phobias is a fear of heights. Vertigo sets in, and I’m left clinging desperately to whatever solid ground is within reach. My death grip is such that I am too terrified to move; I become paralyzed with fear and doubt.

 

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